Coronavirus Chronicles, depression/anxiety

Saturday coffee pot post

Should I even pretend that I don’t go back to bed after I get up to feed the little monsters at 8 a.m.? Nah, I want you to think better of me than that. So let’s pretend.

I didn’t want to get up from my last dream this morning. For once, it was helpful. I dreamed that Sandy and I were visiting some friends in the mountains, and I wanted to go hiking, but no one else wanted to, and I was annoyed about it. Then I realized as we were packing up to go home that the little cabin we were staying in was mine. There were clothes and furniture in it that I had brought on my last visit. I didn’t remember it, so that concerned me, but the overwhelming joy that I felt when I realized it was wonderful. There was a pair of high top purple chucks (Converse sneakers) on the floor. “Are these mine?” I yelped. Yes, they were. I was so happy. I brought in some trays of seedlings that were going to get frozen, and put them next to the window.

As I cleaned up, I told Sandy that I didn’t want to leave yet. “We’ve got all day,” he said. And I knew that I could drive back to this place whenever I wanted, since it was a hour’s drive away. Far enough to get away, close enough to be doable on a regular basis. I could leave my stuff in there and not have to pack up to go back and forth.

I’m taking away a couple of things from this. This house is mine and I can (and usually do) whatever I please here, and so I need to remember that when I curl up in the bed and daydream about hiking. I am not going to be able to hike anywhere if I don’t stop curling up in the bed in a cocoon waiting for the world to change because I won’t physically be able to do it! There are plenty of beautiful trails and neighborhoods for me to take safe walks by myself. I am in control of this.

The other is that I absolutely need to buy a pair of purple high top Chucks.

I am really tired of this emotional roller coaster where one day I feel hopeful and motivated and then severely depressed for three days or more. Today should be good, and I’m rolling with it.

This week I accomplished a couple of major tasks at work so I feel a lightening of weight.

I sewed enough masks to give to the co-workers that I saw at work on Wednesday and Friday, and I have another stack in different stages of construction ready to sew.

I made it through the tough part of moving the photos over to the blog, the time period when my mother grew sick and died. I honestly never thought that I would grieve so much over missing my mother, but I still do. I am up to August 2014 now, when I made my first trip to Pam Patrie’s lovely cabin on the Oregon coast, so those will be some good memories to bring up. I canceled my renewal to Flickr Pro, so I have until Jan. 3 to finish this project. I can do this now. I think that a few hours on a couple more weekends will be enough time.

It is cold outside today, but I am going to make an effort to get out for a walk. I’ll set a goal of moving 2014-2015 over to the blog, and sew a few masks. We need some new ones.

I am settling in with the acceptance that we probably won’t be able to travel overseas this summer, and I am considering booking the ticket for early September or over Christmas break. Those are the two times during fall semester when things slow down because I am mainly waiting on other people to send me stuff.

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