Ick. I really really reaaaaallllly hate this.

I feel about as down today as I have yet. I’m alone in the office, with hardly anyone else in this wing of the building, playing upbeat music, trying to stay distracted. I’m not surprised but I hope to get back to numbness soon.

Last night I was somewhat congested and woke up feeling like I couldn’t get enough oxygen. Even though I confirmed that one nostril was clogged and I could breathe just fine out of my other nostril and mouth, I started down the anxiety road. An allergy med soon cleared up my sinuses but by that time I was worrying over whether I had heart problems.

This is typical of those of us who have panic/anxiety disorders. Panic attacks feel very much like heart attacks, beginning with chest tightness, breathing difficulty, dizziness, sweating and then get worse as we begin to worry about whether it is a heart attack this time. Even writing about it is about to set me off again.

I was getting much better but now that my mother died of a heart attack (albeit at 90 years old) and my blood test earlier that week showed that my cholesterol is still on the high side and my glucose has reached the point that I have to cut down on sugar and I gained eight pounds this year and there are about a million things that I have to think about…well.

Anyway, I’m not in a good mood. It’s pretty doggone bad, actually. Here’s hoping that I don’t have a heart attack while convincing myself that it is “only” a panic attack. Again.

(Oh. And the heat index is 111F this afternoon. So there will be no gardening therapy. Tonight’s activities will feature laundry and Xanax, not particularly in that order.)