Amuse me, please

Just posted this on Facebook, but I welcome all smart asses to play along:

Okay, y’all. I have to meet and finish this day with a sense of humor. I’m doing colonoscopy prep today. So, just for giggles, I’m asking all my smart-ass friends (you know who you are) to come up with stuff I could write on my behind or thighs to surprise the doctor. This probably won’t happen, since I am not a contortionist and Sandy’s handwriting is barely legible, but the point is to keep me laughing. So any other jokes are welcome too.

Please, no poop or fart jokes. By the end of the afternoon I will not find these amusing.

Janet started it out right with a haiku:

“Enjoy your visit.
Not many folks see this side.
You are real special.”

I came up with these:

“Thank goodness Lassie brought you! Timmy fell down the old well!”
“Say hi to Gollum for me.”
“Meet my polyps Bill, Mary, Trudy, Dianne, and Zach. They’ve been pains in my butt for a long time.”

Hendricks came up with this: “See Ruby Falls”

Okay, smart asses, GO.


I think that I might add to this post throughout the day as I think about this procedure and the elephant in the room: cancer.

This is a age-related screening for me. I had my first colonoscopy at age 40, because my father died at the age of 65 of colon cancer, an age that seems awful young to me now. You can live without a colon, but this stuff tends to get you by spreading to your liver and/or kidneys or stomach.

Anyway, I know what I’m about to go through this afternoon, evening, and tomorrow morning. It’s inconvenient and messy, not very painful, and hopefully I’ll sleep through it like I did last time. It is DEFINITELY worth going through to avoid colon cancer.

Colon cancer tends to be very slow growing, so if you get a colonoscopy every ten years beginning at age 50 for most people, your doctor can remove any precancerous polyps while he’s in there poking around and usually you won’t have to worry about it. Because believe me, you should take colon cancer very, very seriously.

That being said, I remember that one of the main things that got me through my father’s sickness and death from cancer was humor. And when you think about it, a colonoscopy is pretty funny if you can get past the fact that you are the joke. Pretty therapeutic for your soul, too. It’s easier than being vain in a situation like this.


The hour is here for the first laxative – BONG! Or should it be bung?


I had to give the cats Advantage today for fleas. It doesn’t bother Theo at all. But the other two – gah, you’d think I was trying to murder them. Guido is in the other room wailing and Miss Lucy is hiding somewhere, traumatized. Theo is laying in my lap, thinking, “Those pussies!”

Watching “To the Ends of the Earth” on Netflix instant view now. We decided to discontinue the DVD rental, and for our last month we are watching “Bored to Death,” a HBO series. Ted Danson is hilarious in it. Book today: “Her Fearful Symmetry” by Audrey Niffenegger.

Sandy doesn’t want to hear any more about my colonoscopy prep. The man is obviously eaten up with envy.

Friend of mine playing online Scrabble on chat: “I think my scrabble game is prepping for me to have a colonoscopy. I’m having a major vowel movement.”

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