augggghhhh, critters

A leap of faith

First, a Miz Jazz report. I forgot about her possible hyperthyroidism. The vet probably missed it when she was talking to us. It may be a good thing in a way because it would keep her appetite up. The fluids absolutely definitely help and I’m glad that Sandy was talked into it. He was basing his feelings on our experience with Squirt, but poor little Squirt was pretty much on his way out when we started those fluids. Believe me, I may not remember something important I did yesterday, but I remember every detail of Squirt’s last days.

She has decided that she does not want the renal food after all and wants to eat her Friskies Senior with the rest of the gang as usual. On the other hand, Guido is just mad for the new food. The other two couldn’t care less. Lucy only gets excited over fresh greens. So we’re going to mix the renal food with the Friskies, add the supplement, and feed it to both Jazz and Guido. Guido has almost certainly been in renal failure for a while, but I decided not to put him through any prolonged medical treatment after the last time with his abcess and dental surgery. He was tested and his BUN levels were borderline. He gets too stressed out if you try to handle him – he doesn’t even like to be picked up. So his next vet visit will be his last, I’m sorry to say. It will have to be his time because he is too miserable when he has to be given medication.

The experience this week has been exhausting for us both. Sandy, in particular, is taking it very hard. Once he accepted that it was time for her to die it has been difficult for him to pull back from that dark place, because he has brought the reality of a Jazz-less future to the front of his mind. I have been preparing for both her and Guido mentally for at least a couple of years, but that’s my personality. Always planning ahead. That’s one reason that practicing mindfullness is so good for me – being in the present is a break for my brain. In this situation, though, I can say that it has helped me get through it much more easily. With Squirt I was in denial almost up to his death – I can clearly remember the day that I fully realized that he had no chance of recovery, only one week before he left us.

Okay, time to get out of the past. (Shaking head vigorously, jaws flapping.)

I slept a good bit yesterday, watched episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and House on Hulu on the laptop in bed, reading The Songlines by Bruce Chatwin now, basically laid in bed so much that I am really creaky this morning.

I picked the last of the butterbeans and basil and I’ll be freezing pesto today. I hope to have enough butterbeans for two servings. There are still carrots in the raised bed. I probably ought to plant garlic today if I’m going to do it since the garlic farmers I know are all planting right now.

Here’s the thing: that Tarot reading a week ago. It has really gotten my brain whirring. How she said that I needed to figure out what sparks my passion now, what I’m doing because I feel like I should be doing it, and what I have learned enough from that I need to let go and change partnerships. It has made me think about how I have been so much less enthusiastic about gardening and cooking and food writing. Not that I plan to move away from how I mainly eat – homegrown or local when possible, after that organic, after that as healthy as I can manage it without feeling totally deprived. (In other words, I occasionally eat a cheeseburger or drink a milkshake.)

Or it could be about Jazz. But I don’t think so. She said that the cards meant that if I am careful to spend money for my passion and not for what I am doing out of feeling the “should” weight, then the money for the kitty will take care of itself. That a great opportunity awaits me and I have a large group of people who support me. The most important thing that I took away from it was that she said that I need to take a leap of faith and make my decision and own it. Whatever happens I will land on my feet or I will fly.

As I’ve said, I don’t believe in the Tarot as a supernatural force. (Or am I so sure? Hoo boy.) I am a very logical, non-leaper of faith. I’ve always thought that my middle name, which is Faith, was ironic. But I keep coming back to thinking about this reading. I’ve looked up the cards and the meaning of the spread. It was amazingly positive. The Sun. The Chariot. The Fool. The Queen of Wands. The Lovers. And, as always, the Hermit. I always get the Hermit.

Then yesterday morning, when discussing our decision about euthanizing Miz Jazz with Dr. Hunt, she related an example of a 19-year-old cat with renal disease and a bad tooth, who survived having the tooth extracted and was chasing squirrels. “Sometimes,” she said, “you have to take a leap of faith.”

I was stunned. And here we are – I’m owning it. I still wonder if this is the decision that I am to make. All the other cards point in the direction of my artwork, so maybe it is the first one. Who knows – life is so mysterious. I wish it was more logical, but there you go.

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