Doom, despair, and agony on me

Deep dark depression, excessive misery
If it warn’t for bad luck I’d have no luck at all
Doom, despair, and agony on me!

My luck is not really so bad but these are dark times around me. I’m having a tough time coping and I don’t blog much when I’m not feeling good. I feel exhausted and lonely in a strange way – not that I want to be around people but in the way that I feel that no one really understands me.

I wiggle back and forth between celebrating my strangeness and wondering WTF is wrong with me.

The main way I generally deal with stress is that I try to find things that I can let go. Lately, that means that I eat cereal for dinner. If I see something that “needs” to be done, I assess it and decide if it is necessary, and if it is not, I let it go. If it doesn’t need to be done, I say “It’s fine,” either to myself or to anyone else who is present, aloud or silently. It’s my way of reassuring myself that it is okay to let it go. Well, someone I love who copes with stress the polar opposite way took that personally this weekend and lost their temper with me, and it was a shock. I’m having a very hard time with that piled on top of everything else, because I don’t think that I can be around this person when I am tired and stressed out any more. I can’t be around constant worrying and activity and yelling when my nerves are shot.

And my nerves are shredded.

Thank god for this gazebo, where I am writing this right now. I’d almost forgotten that the reason I bought this was to give me a bug-free refuge similar to the screened porch at the lake house. Here I can look at the beauty of my garden and listen to all kinds of songbirds, watch the squirrels play and glimpse the occasional rabbit. I figure the only elements missing are the sounds of water and the breeze. I think that I’ll get a little fountain for in here and when it gets hot, I run an electric line out here for a fan, or I can go into the studio where I have an air conditioner.

I made paper out here last week and it was very pleasant. What’s great about this space is that I can work wet and sloppy and “it’s fine.” Yes, it is.

I’ll get through it but with the state budget crisis my nerves will likely be on edge for quite some time.

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