widespread panic

Had ANOTHER panic attack today. Not good! It’s been months since I’ve had a major panic attack, and two in one week, well…I really don’t want to go on SSRIs again. It’s like my cousin said, “the treatment I was getting for my depression was too depressing.” Besides, I’m not clinically depressed. I know the difference.

It was terrible timing – I was at home when it began and I had to go back to work, no choice about it – I had to give some tests to a proctor, and these tests determine whether the students will graduate with the M.A. One flew in from California for it. So there was no question, I had to walk to work in the midst of a major panic attack. I barely remember it. Hoo, boy. This is the kinda shit that makes you agoraphobic, because the only thing worse than a panic attack is a panic attack at WORK. Now more people know than I am comfortable with knowing.

But I’m feeling better now.

Sandy has a second interview with the city next week. We’re both very excited. In fact, that’s probably part of what set me off. Sometimes good things do. Once, I had a major attack after I turned down a promotion at a temp job I sometimes work. I was quite pleased that they asked me. No pressure, but BOOM! There I went, at work.

The thing that bugs me the worst about panic attacks is that there is heart disease in my family. What if I really have a heart attack? I’ll probably lay down and die because I’ll be busy reassuring myself that it’s “just” a panic attack.

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