After the post on Saturday about joining an art co-op, which now I admit contained quite a bit of forced optimism, I pretty much fell in a stress hole. And you know one of my favorite Molly Ivinsisms is the First Rule of Holes: When you find yourself in one, stop digging. Instead I was trying to operate under the Power of Positive Thinking, which is all well and good when you’ve actually thought something through past the point of “I want it now!”

For the rest of the weekend, I was anxious and miserable. I was impatient to hear from them and stared at the phone and checked my email repeatedly. I was trying to decide what to make for the gallery, in case I was accepted, instead of deciding what I wanted to do next.

This is why I do not often sell my work. I get completely knotted up in what I think that other people want me to do, whether that is the case or not. And it SHUTS ME DOWN.

Finally on Sunday night, I took some quiet time to deconstruct my feelings and realized that I would be miserable with either a YES, NO, or MAYBE answer.

So I’m going to go pick up my stuff at Artmongerz and tell them that it’s not them, it’s me. It was a good idea, but not the right one for me at this time.

I feel much better now.

Two good things came out of this - I learned how their co-op worked, and I was motivated to get a couple of paintings framed that had been laying around for years. Now can I get motivated to hang them on the wall?

Self portrait

Pussy willow in the rain

Dried French hydrangea

It has been a stressful week, but for the most part it has been good stress. I am psyched up and excited about the future. I haven’t had a panic attack, though, which is very encouraging since I have been super-wired and sleep-deprived because of hormones all week. In fact, I haven’t had a panic attack in, gosh, over two years, I think? Maybe my chemistry has straightened out. I have actually had dreams that are the exact opposite of my recurring anxiety dreams. In these dreams, everything’s chill, no hurry, all under control and we relax and enjoy ourselves.

Donna emailed me and asked if I wanted to be on the board of Friends of the Greensboro Farmers’ Curb Market, and I said yes. Sounds like my first meeting will be Monday night. I don’t really know what is involved with being on the board, but it is a way for me to contribute to the local food movement here.

Thursday I met with Betsy at Artmongerz and talked about joining their artists’ co-op. The bad news is that our discussion was very confusing for both of us at first. She was expecting big woven wall hangings, and I brought in a box of little pieces, mainly books. Then she asked me questions which I couldn’t answer to her satisfaction and I didn’t understand why she didn’t understand my answers. It must have been me, though, because Paul, the other artist there, didn’t understand me either. That really discombobulated me. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I realize that they didn’t know that the books WERE the art, not to be filled with my “other” art. I do plan to do that one day, especially with woodcuts, but for the most part I want to concentrate on structure and papermaking. Anyway, it is possible that they are not interested in my books, which would be a dealbreaker. I made it clear that books are my passion and my current direction. They really liked my labyrinth tapestry and the lemon embroidery, but those pieces take a lot of time to make. I plan to weave more tapestry - in fact I have a great design now waiting to be started, and three in progress. But I can’t just whip them out.

The good news is that I can afford it, and I think that I will get along great with the artists that I’ve met so far. She really wanted me to have art to hang on the wall, and so I can frame some woodcuts, and I have a couple more woodcuts in progress now. She liked my monoprints that I made in Washington too. I really took them along to show my handmade paper, and what I could do with it. In fact, one mistake I made was that I meant to show her my intentions and my abilities, rather than what I have to sell now. It’s just that I’m moving quickly into other directions, and I have given away and sold a lot of my work and not had a chance to replenish. I’m focused on my future.

Anyway, now I am anxiously waiting for an email or call with the verdict. If they welcome me, I will be very happy but will have to spend more time in the studio, here and there, and not let migraines or exhaustion stop me for long. I will have to put up fresh work each month, which will be very good for me. If they turn me down, I will have to remind myself very firmly that it is probably a matter of fitting in with their vision rather than my talent. I’ll probably need some hugs and confidence building. Then I’ll pick myself back up and remember that it is all probably a part of the scheme of my life. Maybe I am meant to pay my car off this year instead. Maybe selling my art will be too stressful for me and the universe is protecting me from what I don’t know.

I wove all week long and washed and dried the fabric last night. The texture and color is fabulous! I have a towel/breadcloth, a long table runner, and a little sampler (shown below on the loom) that I think will become a book cover. Today I started measuring off another long striped warp for the Baby Wolf 4 harness loom, this time more random with stripes based on the Fibonacci sequence. If I get into the gallery, I plan to take my small 8 harness loom there, so I’ll need to design something for it.

I took a couple of oil paintings from five years ago to a local frame shop this afternoon, and an old friend who does framing on the side will get the next job of the woodcuts and embroidery and whatever else he is willing and able to do.

At the beginning of the week, I was jumping up and down because the schedule and registration for Journalfest in October went online. This was such a wonderful experience for me last year that I can’t wait to go back and take some classes from some of the instructors I didn’t get to study with last time. The hardest part was deciding on my classes. In the end, I didn’t choose any of Dan Essig’s classes for my first choices because I decided that I should work with some artists who are new to me. So far, Dan remains my favorite book artist, but I can study with him in Asheville or at other venues. I chose the following classes for my first picks, generally looking for new bookbinding techniques and ideas:
DeCorporis Humani Fabrica - taught by Ingrid Dijkers
Mapping Me - taught by Orly Avineri
Finding Your Niche - taught by Jody England Hansen

Oops, the time got away from me and I’ll have to finish this post later. I need to get to the market!

I’m all pleased with myself because I stayed up past 11:00 last night. Also because I was the one who suggested going downtown for First Friday. What does this mean? I must be getting over my physical and mental melaise of the last couple of months! I still slept over nine hours, but that’s okay. It was a good, heavy sleep with many interesting dreams.

Sandy and I went to an art show honoring John Skau, benefiting Piedmont Land Conservancy. Local artists used the materials that John left behind to make their own works. I talked to his wife Judy and his son Drew, and we all agree that John would have been delighted.

Then we meandered down Elm St., in and out of antique stores and art galleries, until we reached Artmongerz, probably my favorite gallery if I had to pick one. I love Frank Russell’s found art sculpture, and I like all the other art too.

Sandy and I had a conversation with Betty Trotter, a mixed media artist whose collage paintings we admired, and she said that there was a half space available in the co-op and encouraged me to apply for it. The price is right and I feel that I would fit in well there, so I may be visiting the gallery manager on Wednesday or Thursday with some of my work. It is a very small space, but almost everything I do is small. It would be wonderful to have a gallery again. I miss Two Art Chicks, but this would be a much more serious involvement, since I would be part of the co-op rather than just having work in the shop. So I am very, very, very excited. I think that it will energize me to get some of this WIPs finished and begin some new projects, especially weaving and bookbinding.

We also stopped by South Elm Pottery and Gallery (thanks, Greensboro Daily Photo) and spent some very pleasant time talking to Jim and Jane Gutsell. Sandy won a gift card at work that was burning a hole in his pocket, and we both have a weakness for beautiful pottery, so I bought a Japanese inspired cup and bowl, and Sandy bought two small vases/bottles. I think that he plans to use them as bottles - I saw them as bud vases.

Then we went to Natty Greene’s, had an interesting conversation with an unemployed stand-up comedian at the bar, and watched the passerby on the street from our table at the window, drinking great local brew with our dinner.

Now that it is getting warmer, I’m going to weave off the fabric that has been gathering cobwebs on my loom in the studio. I want to make some scarves and pretty towels from all the wonderful cotton yarns that I bought a couple of years ago. I have small tapestries. I have many old books to upcycle into journals, books ready to bind with handmade paper and painted papers. I have woven hats that I can sell, and I could weave some more hatbands for them. I have random weave baskets. I have some beaded jewelry from my beading phase. I think that it would be pretty easy to fill up that small space - I may have to make or buy some displays. Then I’ll be moving into art quilting, and fusing ALL of these things together. WHEEEEEEE!

Ah well, you can tell that this blog is not as important to me these days, since I let my 5th blogiversary blow right on by without even thinking about it.

Part of it is what many bloggers say after writing a blog for this long - how many times do I want to write about basically the same stuff? In my case, I started this particular blog as a garden journal and as therapy. I was changing my life a little at a time and journaling made my path clearer.

Eventually, when this blog became more of a project to support and interact with my readers, I found myself connected with a huge network of foodies, organic farmers, urban homesteaders, and those who were eager to begin moving in that direction. I found that there was a growing number of blogs and websites and discussion forums out there that did a lot better job of educating and supporting newbie gardeners and sustainable food advocates than me, and that made me very happy. I backed off the urban homesteading subject and concentrated on my artwork.

Because I was tired of writing about how to blanch peas and where I was buying my seeds from this year. I’ve learned a lot, but my life hasn’t changed much as far as food goes. I make the same dishes, pretty much. I still grow as much as my space and body will allow in my back yard, and I buy as much as I can from local farmers and food artisans. What I can’t grow, I buy at the farmers market. What I can’t buy at the farmer’s market, I buy at the local natural food co-op. After that, I go to the grocery or drug store. I have been able to avoid going to a mainstream supermarket for months at a time. I can afford to do this because I don’t buy a lot of processed food and the quality of my food is a priority for me. Food is still just as important. Food writing, not so much.

I’m a secretary, and I’m proud of it. I’m not rich, and I don’t really want to be. I want to be comfortable, with a car that runs, and a small house with a garden, and in good health. Voluntary simplicity is a philosophy that I am very comfortable with. It’s nice not to worry about always chasing a job that pays more money but creates more stress. I’m satisfied. I’m not interested in making voluntary simplicity into a contest to see how little I can buy, though.

Here is a blog that I just found through Grist: Possum Living. The author wrote a book about frugal living back in the 70s, and it has been reprinted. I like Dolly a lot and plan to keep reading this one.

I wouldn’t be able to raise my own meat and poultry, since I am too soft-hearted to kill an animal. It takes very little time for me to fall in love with an animal. I also fall in love with trees, rocks, sticks, and coffee cups. Ask my husband. But I admire those who do raise their food animals with humane care. I don’t think that vegetarianism is for everyone, but I admire vegetarians too. I fall somewhere in the middle - I eat meat, but I am highly particular about it.

The one trend that I see throughout the years of writing this blog is the tendency to care more about my priorities and less about how other people perceive them. I don’t waste a lot of time listening to people who talk about reality shows or fashion or whatever. If something or somebody gets on my nerves, I assess if they are really essential to my well-being or happiness, and if they are not, I avoid them rather than wondering if something is wrong with me for preferring solitude. I’m not willing to try that hard any more. And I used to, boy, did I used to. I tried so hard to be “normal,” to care about the things that “normal” people did. Now I think that “normal” people can adjust to me if they want to, and if they don’t, that’s okay as long as they don’t insist on me joining their club.

Maybe that is simply growing comfortable in my own skin, finally, or maybe it is more of a willingness to be selfish. I was about to say that maybe it is a matter of aging, but I see too many older people who are caught up in consumerism and what it means to be a “real” American and in the “right” group. This is probably the kind of thing that I’ll be thinking and writing about more as I ascend the final year of my forties. Whether I’ll do it here or not, I don’t know. I’m on Facebook and Flickr a lot more nowadays, and those applications seem to be serving my needs. I can’t imagine totally getting away from being online though. I’m definitely hooked on that.

Looking at the computer hurts my head. Typing on the computer hurts my hands. But weaving this random weave basket from the Virginia creeper vines in the Back Forty was a very pleasant activity yesterday! I’ll finish another that I started in a few minutes.

Um, remember my little plan to go natural for menopause? I’m getting hammered by migraines every night, beginning with headaches every afternoon. Plus, my new laptop is all boogered up somehow - today we’ll have to back up the files and reset it to factory settings. I’m on Sandy’s PC while he sleeps late.

I’m going to try to plant some peas and lettuce now that I have a row cover, and do a little more cardboard mulching. Unfortunately I can’t do much because last weekend’s work set my hands back a few weeks in recovery. Yes, that’s right, I said handS, plural.

So I hope that this weekend gets better. I don’t feel very positive right now but after I finish my little pot of coffee I hope that the world will look brighter and that I’ll be able to stand the light.

Fabulous website! Check out the Adobe Photoshop Cook video and the Wendell Berry poem on the left, one of my favorites.

The Good Farm Movement: celebrating the agrarian avant-garde: the art activist antagonist, the forward farmer preserver, the urban eater educator.